UGH. So my plan for today was to go to class like a good student and also wear the rainbow bracelet I had made months ago but have been to afraid and ashamed to wear. No, I’m not ashamed to be gay. The shame is about my body, and feeling like I’m not attractive or date-able. Then I was going to go to the coming out series at our school today.
But I didn’t. I binged this morning and then watched tv. Did I freak myself out into bingeing today?? Possibly. I think it was a slow progression into ‘binge’. It was a way out of doing the things I’d planned. I’m learning that I need to SPEAK for myself instead of having behaviors do it for me. And when they do, they don’t do nearly as good a job. They can’t say ” I’m anxious to be out, I’m scared that people will judge me as I judge myself, I’m worried I’m not a ‘real’ lesbian because I’ve never been in a relationship and I’m terrified I never will.” all a hurtful coping mechanism can do is yell “ALERT I’m not ok” and then give you something ELSE to worry about and fixate on. Like I need that.
I wish I had a more positive story for today.
no more free rent 
😦 I’m sorry to hear today was so hard 😦
Coming out is a hard, hard, HARD task anyway no matter how supportive those around you are. As nice as the idea of national coming out day is, it’s not helpful when it makes people feel guilty for keeping shtum! You shouldn’t feel under pressure. Coming out is very personal, and should only be done in your own time, and your insecurities about your appearance are all mixed up in that, even though you have nothing to be ashamed of in the least.
As for never being in a relationship… This is a very common fear, especially for school-age non-straight people. But you’ve got a long while ahead to find someone to love 🙂 and it DOES get easier to find people. If I’m honest… school was the WORST place to be bisexual! Afterward? You find welcoming people and it chills out a bit.
Sending happy thoughts!
thank you so much four your comment (: